S. is going back to college in a couple years, even though her attempts ended up like mine when she went years ago. Obtaining a degree is important to her, whether she can utilize it upon completion or not, whether it is a Bachelor's or an Associate's. All of her siblings have schooling beyond high school. It is a huge decision.
I'm happy for her.
But, at the same time, her announcement brought back the stampede of old emotion never far when I recollect my college days. The depression and frustration of losing something I had wanted since I was three years old, the stress and elation each project would bring.
I used to imagine trying again, picking things up once more with a tearful, but hopeful eye. I live much closer to the Tech School than I used to, and they have a handful of Associate's Degrees I would find interesting and/or rewarding.
Time has changed things, though. I am more "medically difficult" than I used to be, my chronic pain and compromised immune system keeping me home more often than most. One day of activity requires two days minimum of recharge and relaxation.
And I'm uncertain how tolerant I would be if I lost college... again. If I was depressed last time, it would be worse, now.
Plus, what if I DID receive a degree and my pain issues made it impossible for me to get a job or put it to ANY use? It would be an accomplishment to get one, I suppose, regardless of my future career but I would be applying for financial aid from the government. Is it fair to ask for $15,000 (or more) when all I could show for it is a piece of paper and more knowledge?
For S., she has answered with her heart that she must go back and I will cheer for her every second and keep my fingers crossed this time is THE TIME and she doesn't stop until she has her desire. She's a warrior, that woman, I am blessed to clean her swords and call her friend.
For me... I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, or what there is to do. I'm just lying here, putting words on paper or in cyberspace, hoping to feel useful... or helpful... or like I contribute to this world. Maybe I'll just keep on, not too much else has presented itself. But maybe something will appear if I just do what I'm doing.